Almost Done

OK OK. The 5 millions bill paid!!! But I`m still havin problems never going gone, damn it!!! I don`t have 3 millions, but 2.5 million. The bill is 5.485.400. His donation is 3 millions, so total with my money is 5.500.000. I`m still have a little money left. I can`t buy weapons with that little amount to kill the bastard. With that little money, not enuff to feed me too until the end of the month.
And the problems are, I have to pay electricity about 700.000 and telephone bill about 550.000. So, for that, I must get some money again before the end of the month about 1.250.000. And my salary is not much, I receive only 400.000 a month from my work. You know, the goddamn muthafuckin` exhausted work I always hate. I pray to God everyday and wanting for my death, but seems that god doesn`t understand what I want. I`m still alive and I`m not vvv happy for that.
What I can only do right know is to obey Dad and no more betrayal, I don`t want to fail again, I don`t want to let him down. So, I should do what he wants, make him satisfied, respect his life, and do my best to make him happy. I don`t care anymore about my feelings. It hurts my heart vvv bad, being his slave and some other shit I`ve been thru. Everything is for him, I don`t care about myself and what I want anymore. I don`t care if I`m still making or writing music again. I don`t care If I can`t hang out with my friends again or no. This life is not mine. I don`t know when it will be over. I guess, I have to wait to the day I die, and... I don`t want to kill myself or plan a suicidal shit. I`ll be my dad`s slave forever until I die. And I`ll try to get use to it eventhoo I don`t like it. And I don`t give a fuck about he`s not giving money for me anymore. It`s not his fucking problem anyway. And I don`t wanna beg him for money, no way!!! I know that he plan to buy a house cost 140.000.000 for his new son (My step Mom`s son). And that`s good. I`m not jealous. No way!!! He has a great life now with his new family, that`s good. But I always think that... If I could dissapear from this world and there is no me anymore, that would be a perfect life to be in this world. I won`t feel pain and I won`t fucked up again if I can`t get away from all this shit.
I can`t think of anything so far, no spirits, no power, getting weak, I can`t feel my body again sometimes, can`t feel where I am, can`t feel if this is real or not. I can`t feel anymore. SHIT. FUCK YOU DAD!!! But the most feeling I have for you is... I love you vvv much. That`s why I`m still doing what you want and serve you until I die, no matter I lost all my hopes and dreams. I don`t care about my pain. I care about you...
I plan to make a last letter for everyone. I feel that... soon, I will die in my sleep. I just don`t get it, why god never want me to die? I want to know the answer, but I never hear god speaks to me...
Very cold in here. VVV cold. I`m freezing...
I`m afraid if someday I will committed suicide, if I can`t handle this situation. I don`t know what I must do know. I don`t know...