Schizoooooo

The last day online wasn`t so excited. Still remember, I was chatting with Jake and suddenly the electricity`s fuckin` dead! Fuck!! *screams* I wasn`t sure my last message sent to him :(( I hope he`s not angry and I hope everything`s OK.

That night after the electricity dead all were dark, I froze on the chair, surrounded by the silence and cried. I shouldn`t have to cry, but I couldn`t hold my tears and feel so alone. After few minutes, the voices started to come again on my head. FOR GOD SAKE!!!! I`ve taking MEDS, talking to my THERAPIST twice a week, etc, but the voices came back!!! My fucking SCHIZO!!! I heard about : "Hey, go out, get a fire gun and shoot yourself. You won`t feel the pain." I shook my head and the voices gone. But in a moment, my head felt dizzy and then I tried to close my eyes and went to sleep. I couldn`t sleep. I needed to speak with someone. I used to get online to kill my loneliness, but damn, I hate the fucking dead electricity!!!! I was panicked into nothing and decided to call my therapist. I told him that I was alone in darkness, the electricity was dead, I had nothing to do, my schizo`s bugging me and shit shit shit... We talked on the phone about... I don`t remember, til he gave me a good advice : "Do some activity, whatever." I hung up and do as he said. Activity in the dark? That`s make me laugh for seconds. What painted in my mind, activity in the dark is making love. Geez... I have no idea why did I stuck in that fucking dirty mind while I had no lust for it. And then, I finally got an idea. I wrote something in my book (with flashlight), and I got this :

I'm here, but I`m sorry. I can`t be with you all the time.

I didn`t have more idea to continue writing, I cried again. After a while, my hand moved and wrote... wrote... wrote... didn`t stop writing :

Can`t you see what`s inside of me?
How I feel, and the strungling me
In this world, I live in fear
Can you hear me screaming?
Maybe you thought I was strong
I never have a shoulder to cry on
In this world, I live in fear
Can you hear me crying?
I`ve been down so many years
Would you take me away from here?
You wouldn`t know that I feel you
I feel you

song download

I play something, so I can sing with the craps I wrote, but it was too dark so I couldn`t play right. At last, I just went up and drink my night meds. I was sleeping like a cow...

I don`t even know or wanna know what will I do this weekend. Maybe I`m going to do nothing and sitting alone in the darkness. I can go outside have some fun If I wanted to. But that doesn`t interest me at all. I can`t create music using my computer cuz the damn fucking electricity torture me... But I`m still can create music!!! I can play my acoustic guitar under the lights in the corner of the flat corridor!!! :D
Well, I`m alone... But FUCK!!! I`m fuckin` love it *ROFL* L-O-S-E-R