Imlek Duh

Today I realize that I am just receiving some changing in me. The things between me & my Dad seem like fixed. Then I think about "How did it happen?" I know how, but not sure... Probably I have done something right or wrong? But the truth is... it works. I know my Dad always feels dissatisfied or mad about me, or complaining about my guilt. My Dad would never hear something about me from my own mouth, because we never can speak to each other very well. He only knows me from those peoples & always took what people think (of me) without thinking that something from those people right or wrong. WRONG. They spoke 89% wrong about me & I know what my Dad felt for it... Yeah, it stressed him out. But everything is different now. It's not like that anymore. It's just because I have picked the right way to do. The point is... being away from the people is saving my life. While you never meet more people, only a little of them would talk bad things about you. Maybe they won't talk about you at all because you never showing off or make a move (like some of my close friends said, "You just working on the music and let them hear, that is how to show the feeling if they want to know you.") Some of them think it's not strange because they understand... I do realize too that I'm not really good at music thingy, I couldn't even sing very like them professionals. Fuck that!
I just want to keep straight to it... The way I chose to not get involved to the real world socialize with more people, the way I chose to not be a big mouth around people, the way I chose to sacrifice, the way I chose to keep myself lock & many other ways I chose as long as I never get easy to trust people whoever it is... It works... For what I did & still do now, nobody talks bad about me so my Dad doesn't hear anything bad come from their fucking mouth, the set up or the fake ones... To stop the move is very pointfull to me, it could kill the pain. Beware of people who couldn't be trust...
Since that, my Dad never complain to me again & I feel the miracle when I meet him... I would love to tell more about it, but I don't know how to tell... it's... well... Right now I feel that no one care for me anymore except my Dad.... He does, care about me. We never talk or have long discussion or do the way Father & Child talk like (because of we have different thoughts, different opinion, different will, actually I ever spoke to him heart to heart before, but then I stopped because he didn't support my musical work & he didn't like other stuff I love).
While I am with my Dad, the whole situation is more close to the silence.
Now seems that the biggest problem has changed suddenly. I always felt that my Dad was forcing me in the past, but now I feel things are different. By looking what had happened lately with only looking at his eyes & caught his generosity, or feel his presence when he's next to me, knowing that both of us are fine & healthy, somehow I feel so... happy, I guess. I can really feel that he really loves me & cares about me. I just felt it & I know it's true.
Mostly, I meet him only 3 times a week when he's on the break (he has his important family to taking care of & I'm so sad that I couldn't live with him, duh!). No activity when we're together. We're just sitting, working our own stuff. I use to draw something on his note while I sit in his office & he uses to face his computer playing his favorite game, solitaire (I like playing solitaire too & I'm glad we have same common).
I'm unsure about something too... but I hardly don't want to think about it. It's about... maybe my Dad is tired to talk to me because I had been a stubborn. Maybe he's tired to tell me what to do because I never could do all he had said. Anyway, I feel so light when I never hear from him again about I should finish school or I should stop doing the music business & other stuff he doesn't like, or I shouldn't date someone he hate... Never hear stuff like that anymore. No more forcing, arguing, bad gossip, black sheep and stuff... thank God (Huh, I shouldn't say that).
Shit, a question just popped!!! Maybe what make me starting to feel comfortable while I'm with my Dad because of... nobody loves me anymore? Friends or brother or relatives I use to meet everyday, some of them are making me sick. I don't care about that. I don't hate them. I'm just feel glad that I'm still have nice friends, they're being good to me, I just hardly couldn't meet them more often because they belong to some good colony while I'm still holding in the colony that never goes up better...
What in my mind right now is... I must spend more time with Dad although we never talk, just be with him in the time I have, before I die. I must be regret my life if I waste that time. Right now, be with him is better than I'm being with them...
I did, ever said FUCK YOU DAD!!! But I love my Dad so so so much...
He's happy with his important family & I never cause troubles. I am his daughter but I'm not too important compare with his family. Sometimes I think, where's my family? No more. Anyways, I can still meeting my Dad. I'm happy for it...